TEXAS JOKES AND STUFF and, of course, TEXAS TALL TALES

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas;

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas.

Need to be cheered up?

Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?

Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?

Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater, Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!

Detroit, Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don't bother buying a plane ticket!

Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China, Texas 77613
Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460

No need to travel to Washington D.C.

Whitehouse, Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth, Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!

Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?

Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?

Blanket, Texas 76432

Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?

Santa Anna, Texas

Goliad, Texas

Alamo, Texas

Gun Barrel City, Texas

Robert lee, Texas

Need Office Supplies?

Staples, Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, Texas 76084

You guessed it..it's on the state line..

Texline, Texas 79087

For the kids...

Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile.....

Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City

Kilgore, Texas 75662

And our favorites...

Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City, Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas .

1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles

2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.

6. The Heisman Trophy ws named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S . history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was " Houston."

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union) instead of by annexation. This allows Texas may divide into 5 states.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper.

18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington-on- the Brazos, Harrisburg, Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia and Austin.

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet).

20. The name "Texas" comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

21. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.).

22. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:

(1) Just one God.

(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

(5) Put nothin' before God.

(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

(7) No killin'.

(8) Watch yer mouth.

(9) Don't take what ain't yers.

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don'tcha think?

Texas Joke

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the pookie kicked out of him.

Tall Tales

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

A short story...

If a cowboy rode into town on Friday and left three days later on Friday. How the heck did it happen?

Answer: The horse's name is Friday

Dumb Texas Laws

* When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

* A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

* It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

* You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

* It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

* It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

* It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

* A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

* It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

* The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Abilene

* It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin

* Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont

* Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger

* It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Clarendon

* It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

Dallas

* It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.

El Paso

* Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."

Houston

* Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

* It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Galveston

* It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.

Jasper

* Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.

LeFors

* It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

Lubbock County

* It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.

Mesquite

* It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur

* Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson

* It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.

* It is illegal to do "U Turns".

San Antonio

* It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

* It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple

* No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

* You can ride your horse in the saloon.

* Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.

Texarkana

* Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.